welcome to my page

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09/02/2021 hey, how are you? i've been meaning to make a website for some time now, and i'm glad i finally found the effort to make one. it's something i've been wanting to put some effort into, and i'm glad i also finally have a place to tell people how i feel. it's something that might make my feelings finally feel valid, to see people just read it. to see people just... understand what it feels like to be placed in the position i am. i dont know if its just me, or if its just the feelings that make me feel like im not who i am anymore, but i really dont know how to feel about my emotional state anymore. i dont know how im going to feel the next day, or the day after that.. or the moment after that, or the hour after that. last night i cried for three hours and didnt feel a thing for the next five. i feel so uncertain in the things that i cant control. im just told that things will be okay. or that things will just, get better. no one fucking knows that. no one knows anything, they just want you to suck it up so you can feel better about your own hopeless situation. people want you to be productive. people want you to be the best worker you can be. anything beats trying to find yourself, right? anything beats working, right? if you're not valued as nothing more than your labor, then why do we study the old masters? they werent workers. they were innovators. theres a reason we have art museums. we dont celebrate barons of industry. we scorn them for causing divisions in classes. we are meaningless pawns that can do nothing but serve them, as we find ourselves lost in mountains of debt caused by people who lust for suffering. its nothing we cant handle, though. its nothing they wont see in time. thats enough for today.

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09/02/2021 i wish i learned about the propaganda that was fed to me when i was younger a lot sooner. if only for the fact that i think i would have not said a lot of things i did.

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09/06/2021 hi everyone, i was just thinking about a lot of things lately, and i've come to realize that one of the problems i tackle on the daily is the crushing burden of existence, and the fact that i realize that what separates us from the animals is our ability to be completely social, to create art, music, compassionate writing, dance... yet, none of it matters, nothing matters to anyone. we aren't viewed as something more, or some untapped potential, we're just cogs to a machine that could function without us. i dont want to say that im suicidal, or anywhere close to it, but im just having a tough time coming to terms with the burden of my reality, and the ideas that without the systems that we put in place, i would be a lot happier. im not very good at eloquently putting my words to the screen, but i hope someone sees this more as a vent of my frustrations, and as something to take with them, to learn from the mistakes of someone who spent so much time worrying about the things that didnt matter. i started writing a book of mine. im really proud of it, so far... I really wish that i wasnt trapped in my own body sometimes. theres some things people dont understand, no one will ever truly understand how you feel, but its still important to talk to others when they see that you're struggling, people should know. i know i have a hard time expressing my emotional state, and it shows with how hard it is for me to articulate my thoughts. i write poety to make myself feel better about the things that i wish i could control.

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i want to sail away, to a place i never knew i needed to find. a place where the sun reaches the corners of the sky, and a place where we can feel alive. sitting on a bench, exchanging "fuck you's" before i see you for the last time. everything is going to last a little bit longer, theres blood in the plants, in the trees that brought you home.

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things are tough for me, when i cant figure out how to swim in tbe world alone. im sick of going to people to ask them to help me, im sick of feeling stuck in my own head sometimes. i wish things would just go away sometimes, sometimes i wish i wasnt more than just the being i was forced to be. i was talking with somebody today, and they said:

"oh well that's not politicaly correct!"

so i respond with an obvious:

"shut the hell up."

they didnt care, they werent affected by anything. they voted a racist into office and then make the claims that we didn't like his sorry ass because he "shook up the status quo". sure... sure he did. I dont understand why people wouldnt use the privilege and the power they have to help those in need, or to at least try to. its disgusting, honestly, and i wish more people understood the weight of their actions.

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09/07/2021

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09/08/2021 i went to visit my campus today, it wasn't very interesting but the people were nice. it really is a cheap community college, but thats on me for choosing it. i was thinking today about the things that both mer, but i realize that it doesnt really matter. sometimes i find it genuinely hard to control how my brain feels, and i dont know if thats the symptom of something greater that i dont know about, or if its something that i should just ignore and continue onwards with, pretending that my merit is worth less than my working spirit. sometimes its hard to sleep when i dont know if im going to wake up the next day feeling fine, or if im going to cry, or... well im sure you get the picture.

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the problem with the progressiveness that people want to see instilled in office is that the two party system doesnt allow anything that breaks the mold of authoritarian right-leaning groups, the green party, which often has its beliefs rooted in social justice and climate activism will never see their time in the spotlight because they aren't advocating for the things that big oil companies want.--the two party system put us in a position where we're blamed for the faults of corporations and the emissions that they produce, which is a tragedy. its not that people dont think theres a risk, people understand whats happening to the planet, but none of these companies want to claim responsibility, and would rather blame countries that are just trying to industrialize. -- one of the things that i think we can do, is elect people that we know will at least make baby steps towards instituting progressive policies to eventually do away with conservatism and the ideas that uphold an intrinsically racist and oppressive capitalistic society. -- this is the reason why i dont vote third parties, while i wholeheartedly support the american green party, they'll never be put into office unless we as the people can do what we can to slowly shift the political spectrum to their favor. -- Another reason why companies are to blame is because of their constant consumer blaming, telling us to recycle when they're the issues with global carbon emissions. -- i dont know if this makes sense lol, even if it does, theres not much i can do aside from making sure i can use my platform to help people see the issues that marginalized people face, as well as people aren't really in the position to have a website/blog to write their issues out.

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09/21/2021 hey there again, i was thinking about all the things that made change possible throughout history, and one of the things that bothered me the most was learning that capitalism, at it's core, is not rooted in evil, nor is it malicious. Capitalism serves only one purpose, to keep personal capital for one that could earn it. I think that the people who serve to abuse this system are intriscally deserving of punishment, but that's besides the point that I want to make. Those who seek to exploit are the issue, and the eradication of capitalist chains to liberate a generation that doesn't realize that the world needs to be the way that it is are the two most important ideas of my current (Gen-Z) and future generations. If you cannot use the power you curretly have to help those in need, well, there is nothing that can be obstructed from a capitalistic standpoint.

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09/30/2021 hi, many of the biggest world ending threats have been in sight with humanity for a very long time. In fact, global climate issues are one of the most difficult to process answers that we still have. It's not necessesarily about what's going on, but the lack of responsibility some people feel because they have the power to do something about it. when you seat wealthy people in power, you place them into a position in which they'll never change. in fact, it's one of the worst things that our society has bred. They will only act when their own lives are in danger. looking out for themselves is their number 1 priority. And... i understand why. when it comes to us vs. them, oftentimes I'd say that we'd all really choose ourselves if we're fighting for resources. Not that we should still live by this principle, we've moved on past the need for darwin's theory of survival of the fittest. We're social, intelligent, and work best when we're with each other. And that is only exemplified by our ability to create systems in which everyone is given fair treatment.

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10/05/2021 hey! i had a great chat with some of my friends about the things that we enjoy. I saw a woman on a bike on my way to college today. It reminded me of the things that I used to be happy about and with. I used to feel excited to getout and do something, but more often than not, i can't really even find the will to get out of bed. Not that this is something that I can't fix with a little effort, but... Something about these things have given me a much needed boost in purpose. Something I didnt realize i really needed. -- im not very good at writing or articulating my thoughts often, but i'm really happy to have been shown this place by my friend jinkies scoob, if you're reading this, thank you. -- When it comes to doing this, i've become pretty happy with how it's turned out. Its something i've been consistent with in my free time, and something that gives me a little bit of interest in my day-to-day activities after the work that i've been doing at home and school. I had just listened to White Eagle by heccra since that was put on spotify, and i really wish it was on there sooner, i really love the sound of it. -- today feels more like a day for me to talk about the better things in the time ive been given on this gods foresaken planet. -- I hope theres more good to come in the near future. If there is, i'll keep you posted ;)

10/25/2021 wow it's certainly been a couple of days since I last edited the site. I'm glad I got here when I did because I really needed a place to vent my frustrations as of late. I feel like shit, literal shit. And there's nothing that I think can be said or done to help it go away. I feel like an awful friend, a terrible partner, and someone who isn't worth anyone else's time. I don't think I'll ever find myself not struggling with these things, and that makes me feel even worse. Sometimes I feel doomed to feel like shit. Doomed to feel nothing but the anguish that ive been told isn't an issue. "That Telehealth appointment isn't a real diagnosis you know. You need more time with them, you need to do this, and then that, and then xyz. Clean your room, do your fucking chores, let me hold this all over you while I dangle a piece of salvation in front of your head." It's what I hear. It's all that I think I can hear. I'm sorry. Everything fucking sucks and it's not okay. Life sucks and it's not alright. Life sucks and then I'm going to die. I'm wasting money not passing my fucking midterm exams. "I have a 90 in math", oh thats fucking awesome Melissa, I'm glad you're not struggling with everything else going on in your life. I'm glad you're not worried about the shit thats plaguing you. I'm so happy you have all A's in all of your classes. I want to feel better but its so hard to find the motivation to schedule things when I'm already so bad at doing everything. I popped my two drivers side tires and it set me back $600. The drummer to one of my favorite bands died. And now, well. I failed part of my math midterm exam. How did I get accepted here only to flunk. It's community college... It's fucking community college... The girl sitting at the table next to me is very abelist. She's making fun of the others in her class by saying shit like "How did you even get here?". Who gives a shit where they came from, Melissa, they're in the class and theyre trying their best. Thats so much more effort for them than you, clearly. What with your perfect grades too, right? The backtalk that I'm hearing from these people is gross. I understand her sentiment with men and toxic people, but some people are struggling. Some people are struggling with the things that you aren't. Have some empathy.

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Empathy is important. I wish I wasn't struggling to feel something everytime someone says theyre being plagued with something. It's hard for me and I don't know why. I don't know why i'm so bad at feeling these things when I know its important to listen and understand when people tell me things. I said I might have autism but no one really believes me. No one really thinks that I have these issues because I pretend to be someone I'm not. I pretend to be someone that isn't me. I mask myself. I really needed this website to be there for me, and it has. It's been here as my canvas and I won't ever take it for granted again. Anyways... I ran out of steam for right now. I need to get to my next class anyways, so I'll be back when I'll be back.